Acknowledge Your Growth
Something big happened last week, something that hit me harder than I realized and although I tried to brush it off as light - my ego, my conscience, my being would not let me. So what happened?
A few things: 1. I realized that I have not acknowledged my growth because I have not acknowledged the fact that the crisis is over; and 2. The truth is that I survived. I am safe. I am in a 'W H O L E' different place.
Five years ago my mom and I were homeless - literally without a home. We had everything we needed packed in our car and the little money we had left in our pockets, wallets, change holder and bank. How did we get here? One bad move, mistake, bad decision after another --- but were they? We were moving back across country to California for the umpteenth time in our lives, partly happy, partly sad, partly disappointed and our tail between our legs (at least I felt this way). Another big vision, big idea didn't pan out and here we were. Now mind you, this was not the first time we were in dire straights and from where I sat that day I honestly didn't think it would be the last.
Arriving in San Diego was a blessing - family friends took us in, gave us shelter, food and support. A community that didn't know me took me in and there I found friends, love and a new passion for life. Where I thought this was all there was ever going to be, the struggle, the pain, the disappointment; San Diego seemed to breathe new life into me when I seriously considered ending my own.
In five years I have read more books than I can count, made more lasting, REAL relationships/friendships than I know what to do with and without realizing it created a name for myself, a business, a tribe. Five years ago when we drove across Nevada into California and then into San Diego I was lost, broken and tired but I made a choice, perhaps the biggest decision I will ever make - I decided that this time things would be different. I decided that I didn't want more of what I had been getting and I was ready for a new reality. I took advantage of this new start, of this place where I had no history and only open lanes to try new things and expand.
I volunteered for anything and everything, I jumped in and offered help where I was needed and took on challenges that I hoped would allow me to learn, grow and have something to share with others. I started my journey and as hard as times were at moments I kept pressing through.
For most of my childhood, young adulthood and older my days, my life has been about putting out fires - getting over the hump, surviving. Last week I realized that for the first time in a long time my life now, was not like that. I am safe, I have a beautiful home, I have friends and business partners, I have amazing life/ business coaches, I have my own businesses, I get to work with other amazing businesses, I am a leader in my community, I have everything that I need and am so grateful to be able to afford, to splurge, to indulge in things that I want too. I used to be terrified to speak to anyone over the phone, in person, and now I'm getting up in front of audiences. I never knew if I'd have to go without groceries, gas or some other essential and now I can have them all. Where I was constantly on fight/flight mode I have now found some peace. Life is pretty damn good. (I take a deep breath).
I have a tattoo on my arm that reads, 'BREATHE" because I literally needed a reminder. I needed to remind myself to breathe and take a beat before a massive panic attack would hit. This word for me means something different now, now I breathe in the morning light, I breathe in a fresh cup of coffee as I sit and read, I breathe in yoga, I breathe in the salt air from the beach as I sit at my desk in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I breathe.
Five years ago, my life looked very different (hell, even 1 year ago) but I was stronger than my pain, I was stronger than the fear - I knew in my soul that I wanted more, that I could do more and now I know that with consistent effort, self motivation and drive it can happen. I still have a long ways to go till my visions are a reality but I'm not going miss a single moment of this journey getting there. Along the way I am going to help as many of you get there too, whatever your vision, you mission, your dharma, your soul purpose is I want you to know that if you want it, you can have it. But, know this - it's about more than just showing up - I showed up everyday for 30 years but it's only been the last five that I truly put in the effort, the time and determination and things started to shift. I took a leap, I had absolutely nothing to lose but everything to gain - I picked up the pieces every time because I had already been through the worst of it and survived. If you want it, you can have it, but you have to go get it!
Today, I acknowledge my growth, I acknowledge that where I sit now is abso-freakin-lutely fantastic and everyday it keeps getting better. I will not stop till I reach the top and I'm thinking that some of you (you know who you are) are going to be right there with me.